Workout #1, 9-25-2013, 8am-11:30am: The vibration of my phone caused me to hesitantly open my eyes- just a slit. I dragged my eyes to the corner of my bed and threw my phone on the floor to shut the alarm up. I pulled myself up and began to work on my paper that was due in two hours in my psychology class. When I blinked and looked up to check on the time, I became infuriated that the clock was about to hit 11am! I began cussing to myself in four different languages as I ran to put on clothes and head out of my dorm at Clark Kerr. With my 10 pound backpack crashing into my spinal cord and shoulder blades as I sprinted on the slim sidewalks that zig-zagged past frat row, I felt so angry. My stomach felt heavy with all the negativity that was boiling up. I not only screwed up on my paper (I did not know how to do APA format and my material was rushed and sloppy), but I had to find a place to print my paper for free, and finally, make it to class on time. As I was rushing to the OCF room to print out my paper, I had started off extremely upset at not only myself, but at everyone and everything around me. But as I entered the OCF building I realized I had released most of the negativity that was building up inside of me. Exercising my leg, shoulder, and back muscles had allowed me to let off some stressful steam and inhaling the cool morning air (using mediation techniques that I learned from “The Art of Living” club), had calmed me down quite tremendously. As I was walking over to Dwinelle Hall, I felt way better than I had when I originally began my day, my thoughts were not as painfully sharp and my negative aurora began to diminish, but I still felt down and pressured by the outcome this paper will have on my grade. As I continued walking up the steps to Dwinelle Hall, the exercise made my mind think even more. I convinced myself that through every problem is a lesson. And I realized- 1. Do not procrastinate to the morning before class (at least do it the night before) and 2. School will not rule over my life. It IS important to do well but it is also important to learn real world skills and grow as a person, rather than stress out about midterms, grades, and papers. The exercise really helped me release the heavy negative burden and when I arrived to class, I felt that burden be released.
Workout #2, 9-26-2013, 7:30pm-10pm: Every Thursday I attend a meditation class called “The Art of Living”. There is so much chaos in my life that I haven’t felt happy or at peace with myself for years- since I was a young child. Last Thursday, before I attended the meditation course, I was overflowing with pain from stressing about not having clear skin, getting bullshit from my ex-boyfriend, having my mom call me just to talk shit to me for no reason, and think about my 74 year old father who is living alone and is suffering from many problems (cancer, Alzheimer’s disease, prescription pill addiction, depression, etc). I feel alone in my problems and when they creep up on me because my room mates, friends, or anyone I’ve met, have no experience when it comes to harsh issues like any of the ones that I’ve been through or am continuing going through. I felt extremely lost and depressed and as I walked to the class, I was smoking. Walking and smoking during the night calmed me down a bit, however when I arrived after the 20 minute walk, I felt empty still. After the meditation course I felt much more released and content with myself. Walking back I did not smoke and instead breathed in the fresh air and enjoyed the temporary peace of mind that the mediation course gave to me.
Workout #3, 9-27-2013, 9pm-11:45pm: Living in Clark Kerr is difficult because of the distance it is away from everything, however I feel as though that aspect of isolation is really beneficial when it comes to self-healing and personal time. I’ve been dealing with multiple harsh issues, regarding family problems, an ex-relationship, struggling to make friendships, and especially loving myself and feeling beautiful. All these factors have such depth that I failed to meet anyone that can even somewhat understand or relate to my feelings. Anyways, sometimes these issues have a harsher impact on me and I feel extremely depressed to the point where I either think (but won’t) about giving up, or cry. So, I decided to take on the hike behind Clark Kerr. I felt extremely sad and confused before I went for my hike. I had endless thoughts running through my head and putting pressure on my heart, like why me? Why do I have to go through the relationships that just end in extreme heartbreak on my end, or why do I have to have acne and can never even look in the mirror or be close to someone and make eye contact, or why can’t I have a stable family that did not put me through such hell when I was growing up? As I left my dorm room and walked behind the other buildings, my footsteps felt extremely heavy. I noticed my breathing was short, my feet were dragging, and my head was angled downwards. As I approached the beginning of the hike, I noticed the hills were super steep, and when I began to climb them, my blood was pumping, my muscles were burning, and my mind felt as if something was thumping against it. The farther I got up the hike, the more I worked out, and the more I worked out, the more the anger and bitterness washed away. When I finally reached the top, the air was so cold and fresh. I felt happy inhaling it because my favorite thing to do is walk in the late or early hours of the day and feel the freshness of the air. Looking down at the view of the city, my angry emotions turned into sadness as memories flowed through my mind. I began to cry and felt weak, so I sat down on the hill. I tried to block off the memories because my fierce heart felt like it was being crushed, however I knew it was healthier to embrace the sadness and just let it out. After staying up there for approximately three hours, I felt more stable and calm in myself. The intense exercise, the fresh air, the beautiful view, and having my thoughts run in and out of my mind, made me feel more secure and stable. As I began my descent back down to reality, the continuous movement of my feet side-stepping down hill, my arms swinging past my sides, and my long inhales/exhales, allowed not only the anger but the sadness to slowly be released from my body. When I got back to Clark Kerr, I still felt that sad empty feeling, but I know that will not leave for a while, I felt way better than I had when I was first struck by the emotional event.